Post Game Talk, or Not.

“All truth is not to be told at all times.”
― Samuel Butler

Growing up, I played hockey from the age of about 5 until I was almost 20 years old. Living in a small town meant long drives to games. Now, I have daughters in competitive sports, and although the drive is only 10-25 minutes, the silence can make it feel like I’m back to driving from town to town. 

When our oldest daughter started school, she would come home with homework, and like I had to do when I was in school, I would make her sit and do it. This led to many fights, silent suppers, and early bedtimes. A retired teacher once told me that some kids are mentally exhausted after school and need time to decompress. Although this conversation happened when our oldest was in Grade 2, up until she was in Grade 9 (and our other two were in school), I would still bombard them with the typical “How was your day?” and “What do you mean you don’t know what you did?”, leading to silent car rides. I would think, “Why the attitude?” After all, I’m asking these questions because I care.

It wasn’t until I switched the roles that I understood. How many times have you come home from a long day to a house of kids excited to ask you so many questions, only to be met with “I just got home, can you give me a minute”? They don’t do it because they want to annoy you. They do it because they love you. Sound familiar? Making this realization, I started to change my approach to after-school pick-ups and the after-sports drive home. I would ask, “How are you?” and hand them a small snack. What happened was the conversation would be led by my daughter when she was ready. It was like magic. I would be told about the day without having to poke and prod. It was a great turnaround.

How does this relate to sports? Well, sports are stressful. The mind is working non-stop. Your athlete is not only thinking about what they need to do but also about the mistakes they made, being “benched,” and yes, the drive home with all of the advice that will be thrown at them. Their mind is pushing the limits of their window of tolerance. They need time to decompress and rebalance their blood sugar levels. They have just had a hard day at work and “need a minute.”

I find that a greeting of “I love you” with a hug works best. I let them decompress in the car, and magically they begin to talk when they are ready. Remember, “all truth is not to be told at all times.” It is very important (I admit that I don’t always do this) to just listen. Once emotions are calm on both the parent and athlete side, then that is the time for constructive feedback – much like the 24-hour rule we try to have at work when sending an angry email.

Although this is anecdotal, I have found that this has led to great conversations, improved my father-daughter relationships, and removed the anxiety of “the talk” on the drive home after a game. Am I perfect at this? Not at all, but I’m working on it.  

I am not a doctor or professional, and this is just my opinion.